Lou's Blog

A few years ago I attempted to look at life from a different perspective, to emulate the actions of a personal hero who enjoyed a great deal of success and became a leader of some reknown despite early childhood abuse and a lifetime of hardship. Of course I’m speaking of Conan the Barbarian. (I suppose it’s worth wondering if he became the fighter he was and the exceptional leader he was because of those very hardships.) If I found myself in a difficult spot, ready to give up, I’d say to myself, “Would Conan give up? Would he? NO!” and I’d press on until completion of the task.

I ended up letting Conan go as a role model when I had a difficult time fitting his responses into the situations in which I found myself. For example, if I were at a trouble spot in a program I was writing, I’d ask myself, “What would Conan do?” and of course end up destroying both computer and desk with my two-handed sword (thank goodness I bought Dell’s accident insurance). Or I’d be driving and attempt to merge into traffic on the beltway and would be refused entrance by the many inconsiderate demons already there and would be forced to smash the car into the nearest lane of traffic anyway, causing a wreck to the left and behind me, but allowing me to continue traveling forward. Of course this would anger the same demons who refused to let me in, and an attack from the rear would doubtless ensue. So I would be forced to hand the steering wheel over to the wide-eyed carpool passenger in the front seat while I opened the driver’s door and climbed to stand on the hood of the moving car. Then I’d simultaneously brandish my sword and strip to my leather loincloth and then leap from my car to the nearest attacking vehicle, and then to each other attacking vehicle in succession, delivering deathblows to the engine of each one. Eventually the highway would be a sea of dead SUVs sporting extensive sword damage and I’d have to walk the last five miles home, which was a real pain.

So, Conan is retired as my guru for the time being. I’m considering as his replacement the Dalai Lama, or possibly Beowulf. We’ll see.